so this is how it ends

i tot im strong
i tot im prepared
but today, i choked n held back tears as i speak of him to some1 tat barely mattered to me.

im tired
tired that im not given time to b sad
i just had to move along

packing things up n sorting out matters
i wish i was given the chance to not be strong
to just be irresponsible n be stagnant

but im suppose to be strong
at least tats wat everyone tells me
to be strong n to take care of myself n my mum

mayb i shud tell them i dont want to
i refuse to
i just wanna fade away in this ocean of sadness
immerse in the fond memories we had
or torture myself wf the guild of not spending enuf time wf him

time, is not on my side
u are already not here wf me.

the fight in the car

the shouts
the passing buildings
the on going traffics

the friction
the disagreements
the different sects of thinking

as i stood there staring out of window
i heard the heated arguement
both parties hv their stand
i'm not saying who is right or wrong
but i just dint know how to make them stop

tears row down my cheeks
quietly, gently

i started counting the big buildings along the road
n wondered....how could a dysfunction of 1 little entity of a family cause such a stir?

Type A blood

today's topic....
type A ppl must eat more vegetables
type A ppl liver not good must sleep earlier
type A ppl are antisocial
type A ppl are a little of a wierdo

blah blah blah...yak yak yak
since whn she became a pro in blood type analysis?

Tomorrow

Lotsa & lotsa tissue.....checked.

Reunion Dinners

Feb 27th -

its strange, i dont remember d reunion dinners we had
i think i can barely count wf my 10 fingers

every yr frens get excited abt d much anticipated feast on the nite b4 CNY
for me, it was just not something we practice
mayb, we were just mat sallehs trapped in a sleepy town in m'sia.

its ironic.
since dad has been admitted, everyday seems to be reunion day
i kinda look fwd to the weekends these days

i've nvr spent so much time wf my family as a whole
till now

im thinking,
i might get use to this
but it might be too late

Famili

the long spacious corridor
the little visiting rooms
the icu rooms that look like incubators

one day these will slowly fade into the back of my memory

but 1 things for sure
i would like to remember a Malay family that has been camping at the long corridor for the 6th day in a row
day by day the amount of family members grows
siap ada tikar...mcm picnic...

as i stared at them...my mind begins to wonder....
i'm intrigued & amazed by the united family spirit they uphold
i'm also a little envy......

we are just not of the same.

she asked

she asked was it important for her to stay
i know death is part n parcel of life but to word it in such blunt way, im a little taken aback

she wanted me not to disturb him
she said he has a lot of work n she is worried about him driving down late a nite

its not something i wish for too
but i think she.... will be more comfortable if he.... was here

after all, he is his gem.

my question was...dont we all hv a lot of work?
so my work is not important i guess
afterall, no 1 actually sees the point of me having a career

its just me, rebellious n playful
tat i will grow out of it someday
n since ive no family of my own
ive no commitment n tat im just a lepaker

sometimes the art of speaking shud be taken seriously
even wf family members

im not saying i hold grudge
i'm just hanging in here bcause i think it comforts her a little

seriously, i think my greatest worry is for her now
now that she doesnt seem to be able to let go

i think i've come to terms to it more
n tat i think it might be the best option
for him n for her...but it would seem evil of me to word it

so i watch my words
carefully thinking b4 speaking everytime
so much so i feel...m i useless here

i hope my presence counts
at least to her

she missed the lunch hour visit

she missed the lunch hour visit
bcause she had to go to a bank to request for a personal loan

its the 1st loan she ever getting in spore
a loan that i dont know of the amount
the loan to pay my dad's rocket hi medical bill

me, im just sitting by helplessly
will i ever land a better paying job to be able to chip in later?

Is he ready or R we not?

March 11th - 4th day in spore

this is the 2nd time we are talking to Alex, the surgeon
the question is to op or not to op
but he has long pass the threshold
therefore the possibility of him making it with the surgery is probably 1% higher then the initial 10% of him not going thru the surgery

We are divided
N is not keen, seeing that the last op just did him worst thn good
A thinks its a chance that we should gamble

we dont know if dad is ready to go...
looking at his BP and heartbeat, which are still strong, even the docs think he may not be
but he is just too weak to go thru it all over again.
worst, he might just leave us in the operating theater.

So whr do we go from here?

A brought up a question
wat if he wasnt ready to go...n we stood by n did nothing
will he wake up in heaven n ask "who send me here?!!"

N retaliated
it could be the same...he might go in the operating theater
n wake up in heaven n ask "who put me thru all the pain?!!"

i keep quiet most of the time
n thn i spoke

i said "i think he is ready"
there was a pause
i could feel my voice eco-ing in the air...lingering a little in btwn the bustling of the crowd

he alr spoke to bro wat he wanted to be written on his tombstone
n while he held my hand n open his eyes today...he teared...n tried to say something...
it look as though he was pleading for me to let him go....
he is in much pain...wat if all the wanted to say was to plead for me to let him go?....

but i could be reading him wrongly
but tat look was painful....

my voice broke...."i think all the while he is ready...maybe he is ready...its just us...we are not ready to let go...."

i'm not listening

a 92 yr old Singaporean man who survived the Japanese occupation was interview about his gruesome escape from death.

dad use to talk a lot abt his life during that era
but i was too young to listen
n too rebellious.

if only he could wake up n talk now...
i will write down in detail all the things he would say

i will record it down on pen n paper
n find some1 to publish it n dedicate it to him

i just realized, of all the children he has
i'm d most similar to him in terms of "talents"
we love to tell stories... little life details intrigue us

but i realized this a little too late
he can't talk now...neither is he thinking straight anymore

y...in those 30 yrs that he has pension, why dint he took time to write
to pen down those long lost moments
so that his children or grandchildren could read

he has the knowledge
the language capability
i'm sure he could hv written like a well versed journalist

but he never did
or maybe he never will

isn't it sad?
mayb we should hv encourage him to do so

make me think...we nvr know until its too late
we should do everything n anything that matters in life
so that when we leave...we leave our love ones with good memories
or at least we leave with our own fond memories
n we know that we've lived.

hanging by 5%

March 15 - 1 mth 8 days

he started bleeding again.
surgeon has given us another option, to go for another op
but for him to make it tru this op...its extremely slim
if we dont go for the op, he has 5% of survival

our happiness is always short lived.

SMS

March 14 - 1 mth 7 days

Hi, Mo here. Mr T's child. sorry for the delay in updates. My dad is stabilized. bleedg has stopped. we r not looking at any op at d moment as his reserves are low. We're hoping that things will take a better turning soon. btw, when we checked out, d counter admin mention that we're suppose to speak to d doc for a doc's fee discount. i'm not sure how shud we go abt this. will be great if u could consider it.

the reply: Hi Mo. Glad to hear ur dad is recovering. i will talk to the hospitl accountant tomorrow about the deduction in fees. take care and regards to your family.

the mandarin orange that he will nvr eat

8th March - Day 33

2 weeks ago, some datuk came for a charity visit incogjuction with CNY
sis wanted to give the mandarin oranges to the nurses as dad wont be able to eat it in the next few days
probably by thn it'll be rotten

but dad refuse to
said he wanted to keep it till he's better

looking at mandarin oranges were one of his fav food he looks fwd to during CNY...
N its suppose to be a symbol of good luck
so we decided to keep it

but today, i threw it away
dad hasnt woke up since the 3rd op
docs are at wits end
they pulled out n withdrew the support not long after we announced that we wanted to move him to spore for a 2nd opinion

MI wanted us to send him to Selayang for another op
Selayang suggested to send to local GH
the last op that dad did in GH 4 weeks ago was a bad move
we cant afford for anything else to go wrong now

so SGH it is
it was a decision discuss the day b4 n a decision made today
it took them about 8 hours to sort matters out

doc were slow to communicate n pushing all the task to each other
in the end, sis was really piss n pushing every1 ard

things got a go..finally
by 8pm++ dad is in spore
we feel so much more relieved here

at least everything was going at a faster pace
but of coz, the bill will be too

the icu here is strict
but they threat patient wf respect
dad is almost unconscious now but we can see that he is in a comfortable position
we are glad n we think we made a right move but is this a choice made too late?

warded Again!

i got warded for allergy again.
but tis time in SGH.
hated it cause there were a bunch of 10 students thr to do observation.

they stared at me like i was some specimen.
as doc did a scope for me to check my airway.
i felt like puking.

it was a bad experience n seriously i tot being pushed into assunta 3 yrs ago was better
the A&E here is just too big
docs couldn't even find me

i heard a doc shouting out for my name
telling a nurse he cant locate me
i was dying, lying in bed n i had to use all my might to get his attention.

feeling oozy n dizzy, i checked out after 5 hours of observation
i thank god they dint insist me on staying overnite as i'll hv to fork a bill of S$700
arghh...tat shud go to my dad's bill now not me

my sisters were having a good laugh
they have nvr seen me develop such swallon eyes
they think i look like kermit the frog n couldnt even recognize me whn they walk pass my bed
elder sis even took a pic of me n send to her hubby
bro-in law said i look like a botox gone wrong.
babis!

very funnie!
i dono should i laugh or should i cry given such circumstances.
but i find it difficult to keep my eyes open
i wonder how do ppl born wf very cina looking sepet eyes see the world?
do they see less thn a wider eye person does?

Waiting for the Death Note

March 3rd 2010 - Day 28

i woke up with good vibes

The presence of a Datuk that visited yesterday still lingers in the air

Our physician announces he is taking charge. so does it mean he hasnt been taking charge all along?

There is possibility but will it be short live?
The phone rings again....its a text message from the billing department

the amount is big & the stress level is high
i feel like im avoiding loan sharks

The Death Note cont....

March 2nd, 2010 - Day 27
Loc: ICU


MI predicts he will have 1-2 weeks

by 2 days we should be able to know if we should pull the plug b4 that
We cried

mum took awhile to take in all the info
she managed to maintain a poker face
but not for long

whr do we go from here?
the phone rings...its the billing department

The Death Note

March 1st, 2010 - Day 26

He was pushed to the operating theater for the 4th time in this month
He doesn't recognize me since the nite b4

MI says he needs to be operated
He is bleeding internally
We need to act fast

I din't think twice
I signed the consent form which i don't remember reading

We waited
For the op to be over
For the rest of the family to be here

It's over
It's a success
But he is a high risk patient
If he pulls thru tonite, he has a chance
& so we waited...for the Death Note to be handed over